There were so many things I never got to tell you because of the year that I lost my voice. It got lost somewhere in the expanse in the cage of my ribs, and I was too ashamed to go looking for it, too afraid of all it would have to say. But I’m ready now, I’m sorry it took me so long, you all deserved to hear this sooner.
Dear Nanny, I miss you so much that it kills me sometimes. I want more than anything to go lay in your bed while you sit on the edge of it a cigarette burning in the ash tray with another between your lips, the bedside window open, and your legs crossed at the ankles as you tell me about the weather and how it’s making your bones ache. I want to make hush puppies with you and watch American Idol, and listen to you tell me stories about when you were a Rum Runner, and I just want to mop your floor and drive you to the store. You never even got to see me get my first job, and you’ll never see the great grandchildren that I wanted to give you. There is so much I should of told you when you were still alive, I should of told you how strong I thought you back was (you always carried so much), I should of told you that I wanted to apologize for my grandfather not always being the strongest of men(even if his fist told a different story). But, I never got to say any of that, so now on Thursdays I go and lay on your front door ramp like I did as a kid and whisper to the wood, that gave you a million splinters, about just how much I miss you.
Love always, Georgie Porgie.
I understand so much now, I see all the places I went wrong…all of the times I should of taken a hint. And I wanted to apologize to you, I tried to do so a million times, but you never actually listen, you’re too afraid of my nostalgia getting the best of me. I can’t even stomach the thought of you anymore, you honest to God make me sicker than the bleach ever did. But, I’m proud of you, you’ve come such a long way, done so much, figured out so much (with only the help of your girlfriend of course!) and I really am proud of you. But my pride can’t conceal the utter disgust I hold for you. I miss the fake you, the real you is turning out to be nothing but an asshole.
Dear Maddie Monkey,
There’s so much I’ll never get to say to you, both out of fear and respect for both our new lives. But know that you were my first true love, my grounding wire, and my lightning storm. You should know that there are few things more beautiful than the sight of you running ahead of me through the middle of a dew soaked field at midnight in the middle of a southern summer. We were too young to smoke but we all gathered up packs and lighters anyway, carried them around in a string back pack and laid sweat covered on our friends cold garage floor that smelled strangely of cat piss but felt like God.We watched boys piss and girls kiss and met a kid we called lion. We stood tall,”No thank you sir, we don’t need a ride home, we’re fine”, hid from the cops in tangle weeds, cleared fences, built homes in someone’s ghost.I still have that heart burnt into my wrist. Together we were fearless.